Spring Semester & Beginning My Weightloss Journey

Hello, blog world! I apologize again for not posting very much. I really took a break from normal life over the winter break. Now, I am back at UWM and a week into the semester. I have a great schedule this semester that I hope will be really fun, and I know that it will give me a broader understanding of a lot of my favorite topics. My classes are: Anthropology 150: Multicultural America (looking at history of race & racism in America focusing on African-Americans, Latinos, Native Americans, and Asian-Americans), English 205: Business Writing (learning how to write business documents, memos, reports etc. & the professor is awesome & funny!), Psychology 205: Personality (basic psychology of personality from all the psychological perspectives & my professor is really hot!), Math 105: Intermediate Algebra (don't judge..I got a C- last semester and need a C to move on to Calculus!), Music 102: American Popular Music (really boring professor, but interesting topic obviously! It focuses on rock music especially), and finally Geography 125: Intro to Environmental Geography (this is my favorite, we cover really modern topics & my service learning assignment is so much fun & so educational!!). This is 18 credits, but I think I can handle it! I hope to improve my GPA from last semester, which ended up at 2.6 :(

Now, right before Thanksgiving last semester, I had a long talk with my boyfriend about my weight gain. When we started dating, I was 14 and probably weighed less than 130 pounds (same height)

I realize this is a terrible cell phone pic, but this was about how 

thin I was in 2008

This picture, from prom 2010 shows how much I had gained since 2008. I had gained a stomach, fat arms, and love handles.

This picture is from my grad party in june 2011. i had grown considerably since junior prom.

This picture was taken over break for New Years. I think you can see this is my worst weight...I probably weigh between 190-200 lbs here...

 I started to gain weight for a number of reasons, like eating out with him about 10x more than I ate out before. Also, when I got a job at the mall & had my license, I would get fast food ALL the time, and especially at about 10pm after I had gone from school (ending at 3:05) to work (at 3:30) and not eaten anything nutritious. I would be starving and just stop by McDonald's and get 2 McChickens, fries, and a non-diet soda (at that point, who gave a fuck?). I don't know how much I gained, probably about 30 pounds from the time we started dating to then, which was about my senior year of high school. Then I spent the summer eating whatever I wanted, eating really unhealthy at home (I started buying groceries for my family because my mom was really busy), and drinking, a LOT. Oh, and I also started working at a Mexican restaurant which gave me a free meal as part of my pay, every Wednesday night and then starting in about April or something also every Friday. So I ate quesadillas, spinach dip, chips and salsa, and fried fish every week. As you can imagine, the summer after my senior year I gained a ton of weight. I had a plan to eat really healthy once I got to school, and work out, too! I said "instead of gaining the freshman 15, I'm going to lose it!" Yeah, that didn't work out. I ate huge amounts of goldfish crackers, candy, and mozzarella sticks. The school does a GREAT job of providing fried foods almost all day. And I also bought chocolate milk, baked goods, and chips allllll the time and the "Empo." So I think it's safe to say I gained about 20 lbs once I moved into the dorms.

One night in November, I brought up the subject of getting engaged to my boyfriend. I had been fantasizing about weddings all summer, once I discovered the "weddings" section on StumbleUpon and all the amazing wedding blogs out there! Anyway, we have been dating for about 3 1/2 years or so, and so after talking with my BFF about wanting to get married, I decided to tell him how I felt about our future. He isn't exactly on the same page as me, but he said he does want a future with me, but needs to time to figure out what he wants for himself...whatever that means. But I know I'll get him. But then he pulled this on me (we were talking on fb chat, btw bc we are long distance): "as long as we're getting things off our chest.. well i don't want you to get mad but don't you think you've let yourself go a little bit?"

Yeah, I know. I was in shock...it took me about 10 minutes to respond to him. I felt like complete shit. It's not like he was wrong, I totally did let myself go from what I looked like in the past, and I admit I used to be really hot, and I had become this 190 lb disgusting pale person. I had just given up, and thought that I least I had big boobs, so I could still be attractive. Although the grossest thing are the stretchmarks. They are so disgusting. And I am naturally really pale, so they show up all too well. I really do hate my body. Yeah, I have huge boobs, but they sag and I am only 18. and yeah, curves are sexy, but not the downward curve of my stomach hanging down. it's gross. My arms are flabby and look horrible in every kind of sleeve. The "spare tire" thing I used to make fun of on other girls was now a part of my body. I had a double chin. I had gross cottage cheese thighs. I know this all, but still, to think that the one person you love more than anything in the world sees the gross things that you think you are doing a good job of hiding...yeah, it sucks. I cried so much that night. and I have since then. It just hurts so much that he doesn't love my body or love me for who I am. I get it, I don't love my body or the way I am...but I thought that someone did. I was wrong. So that week, I really restricted my calories. I made this huge excel spreadsheet of all my calories for all my meals. Literally, the first day I ate one meal. But that week was thanksgiving...so that didn't go so well. I really did try to diet for the first couple of weeks, but then it was winter break, and Christmas...things just got out of hand. But then, during a fight about something else, Ted brought up the fact that I wasn't even trying to lose weight anymore. So I had a doctors appointment (unrelated) and she recommended Weight Watchers as a starting point. She said that if I couldn't lose weight with 2 hours of elevated heart rate exercise and reduced calorie diet, she would prescribe some weight loss aids.

So, I started the Weight Watchers Online program on January 14th. As of today (2 weeks) I have lost about 7.5 pounds (started out fluctuating daily from 191-192 and weighed in about 185 tonight). That's pretty good, I guess. I know that it could be more. Yesterday, I weighed in at 177.5 pounds. But these last few days I have been overeating. Monday-Wednesday are really structured for me, class-wise, so I can plan my meals a little better & go to bed early. But this weekend I stayed up really late and started boredom eating, and also I really miss Teddy (even though it's only been a week) and he hasn't been giving me the attention that I want. Also neither has my mom. I try to talk to her and she is always busy and it's really annoying. I am really lonely when I'm at school. My two suitemates really click, and I don't really fit in. And since I was back-stabbed by my best friend in the beginning of the school year, I don't have anyone here that I'm close to. I have a lot of acquaintances and there is someone in every class that I talk to every day, but I have no true friends. It's really depressing to me. So obviously I really miss my family while I'm here. And it seems like no one misses me. It just really hurts. Especially when Ted is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he doesn't reach out to me when I'm upset. I get that he works, and has a social life outside of our relationship, which I obviously want for him, but a few supporting texts or IM's wouldn't hurt. and I understand that my mom is busy, and that this is the stage in my life that I'm supposed to be getting all independent and what not, but I still really crave attention and it feels like she doesn't mind that I'm gone anymore. All these feelings lead me to emotional eating. I ordered a book on how to detach from food and decode your emotional eating. It was supposed to arrive from Amazon today, so I'm expecting it this week. Hopefully it will have some good insights for me.

So basically my plan to continue losing weight is to limit my snacking between meals on most days, and try to plan better for stressful days (Mondays & Wednesdays for me). I am also forcing myself to stop eating after 7pm on most days, with exceptions for Wednesdays when I don't really have time to eat between 4pm-8:15pm. I am also trying to add in at least one "negative-calorie" food every day. These foods include things like cinnamon, lemon tea, celery, chili pepper, lettuce, carrots, and oranges. I also joined a yoga class that meets 5:15-6:30pm on Tuesdays & Thursdays. I tried out yoga last summer with my mom. We had classes every Tuesday for 1 hour from the middle of June through July. So I know a little bit about what I'm doing, but not much. I want to do this to really tone up my stomach, arms, and core in general. I want to have a sexy back. It might sound weird, but fat girls know what I'm talking about. I think that the neck/collarbone/shoulders & back are the sexiest parts of a woman. Right now, my back has rolls and love handles. I want my back dimples to look sexy, and I want a low-back top to look hot. Also, love handles are the root of all evil. Why is fat stored that way?! And I also found out that fat above your hips is the most dangerous for your health. It means you have visceral fat, which is surrounding your major organs :( also, it can be a key factor for factors for heart disease, which runs in my family (my dad's side is from Kentucky...and it shows). Also, I want to be able to run and not breathe like a rapist. Seriously, even walking up a hill to class or walking fast after my 815pm class, I get short of breath. It's embarrassing to be 18 and have that problem. So I am following tips on a bunch of different blogs and on the Weight Watchers website on how to get into running. the only problem: I left my awesome Nike running shoes at home...:/ So I won't have them here until February 11th, when Ted comes to visit. But when I finally get them, I will start out with walking/jogging, and phasing into full running after about 4-6 weeks. I think cardio is the key to fat loss. So hopefully that will help with the fat loss, while the yoga will tone up my problem areas. I also have the Wii Fit here in my dorm. I haven't set it up yet, but I have used it in the past and you can really break a sweat with some of the games! I especially like the kung fu & the hula hoop games!

I will post on here, mostly for myself though. I really want to be held accountable for my weight loss. I don't really have someone to talk to about it because my mom loses weight really easily and rarely eats. She has a completely different relationship with food than I do. Also, Teddy can eat anything and everything that he wants to eat and not gain a pound. He kind of has some moobs coming in, but they're not noticeable until he's on top of me...so yeah...not a big problem at this point. But mark my words...one day his metabolism will slow down & he'll have to give up Thickburger Thursdays & Buffalo Wild Wings. I can't wait for that day (mean, I know). Anyway, I'll post my weekly (sunday) weigh-ins, along with other problems/progress, what I've been eating, and stuff of that nature. As well as regular blog posts!

Thanks for reading.

xoxo, Rylee